Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
‘Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
This is the chorus from a song called One Step Closer by Linkin Park.
This pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess I’m having a pity party for myself but to paraphrase another song, It’s my blog and I’ll whine if I want to.
This is week two of King Ben’s spring break. I tried to take him to the park last week and when it was time to leave he got angry. Of course he did, he’s 8. What 8year old kiddo wants to leave the playground? When we got back home angry spent the next hour morphing into meltdown. He was probably tired and over stimulated. Plus his sleeping is all out of whack. He’s been waking up at 2 or 3 am and staying up. We might need to increase his sleep meds. We took him to go food shopping a couple days ago. Picked a slow time, packed all his “going bye” stuff in his backpack, stopped & got his favorite fast food on the way and did our food shopping. When we got home, he got angry because we didn’t buy him a toy. Tantrum. We left him to it. Then his tantrum morphed into a meltdown. There’s a difference between the two. One he does on purpose, the other he can’t help. In a way, during a meltdown he’s not even there.
He’s bored. I get that. I’m doing my best to try to entertain him but I’m having some sleep deprivation/pain issues of my own and he’s a huge part of my stress right now.
His mama took time off from work so I wouldn’t have to do this entire two week break by myself. Unfortunately she’s in the middle of some drama of her own so her focus is elsewhere and she’s not much help. Here’s where resentment starts to poke it’s ugly head in. Ugly thoughts like, “I didn’t give birth to this child why do I have all the responsibility”, or “this is so completely unfair to me, I’m freakin disabled here”. Thoughts of yelling at my daughter, telling her to quit texting and take care of her child. Ugly huh?!
I take care of Ben for Ben. I’m more patient (usually), I have more experience, and since I’m disabled and can’t work, I have the time. We all live in the same house so he comes to me most of the time anyway.
I’m rambling, I’m venting… I’m beyond tired. My thoughts are jumbled and I can feel myself shutting down. But I can’t because school doesn’t start back for another week.
Day by day I have to keep hanging in there. If I get upset, Ben gets upset. I think it confuses him. So, no frustration for me.
Yeah, I’m about to break…But I’m not allowed because a precious little boy needs me.
I can do this….