Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
‘Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
This is the chorus from a song called One Step Closer by Linkin Park.
This pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess I’m having a pity party for myself but to paraphrase another song, It’s my blog and I’ll whine if I want to.
This is week two of King Ben’s spring break. I tried to take him to the park last week and when it was time to leave he got angry. Of course he did, he’s 8. What 8year old kiddo wants to leave the playground? When we got back home angry spent the next hour morphing into meltdown. He was probably tired and over stimulated. Plus his sleeping is all out of whack. He’s been waking up at 2 or 3 am and staying up. We might need to increase his sleep meds. We took him to go food shopping a couple days ago. Picked a slow time, packed all his “going bye” stuff in his backpack, stopped & got his favorite fast food on the way and did our food shopping. When we got home, he got angry because we didn’t buy him a toy. Tantrum. We left him to it. Then his tantrum morphed into a meltdown. There’s a difference between the two. One he does on purpose, the other he can’t help. In a way, during a meltdown he’s not even there.
He’s bored. I get that. I’m doing my best to try to entertain him but I’m having some sleep deprivation/pain issues of my own and he’s a huge part of my stress right now.
His mama took time off from work so I wouldn’t have to do this entire two week break by myself. Unfortunately she’s in the middle of some drama of her own so her focus is elsewhere and she’s not much help. Here’s where resentment starts to poke it’s ugly head in. Ugly thoughts like, “I didn’t give birth to this child why do I have all the responsibility”, or “this is so completely unfair to me, I’m freakin disabled here”. Thoughts of yelling at my daughter, telling her to quit texting and take care of her child. Ugly huh?!
I take care of Ben for Ben. I’m more patient (usually), I have more experience, and since I’m disabled and can’t work, I have the time. We all live in the same house so he comes to me most of the time anyway.
I’m rambling, I’m venting… I’m beyond tired. My thoughts are jumbled and I can feel myself shutting down. But I can’t because school doesn’t start back for another week.
Day by day I have to keep hanging in there. If I get upset, Ben gets upset. I think it confuses him. So, no frustration for me.
Yeah, I’m about to break…But I’m not allowed because a precious little boy needs me.
I can do this….
King Ben's Grandma 
Awww sending you more and more love 😘💞💐. What goes down must come up 💝💝
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the loves!!😘🌻💗 I’m just having a rough patch. They happen. I’ve been through so much worse and I’ll get through this too. 👍 I figure it’s better to rant here than yell & scream at people. A good night sleep would do wonders….I’m praying for it😴🙏❤💛💜💙💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sleep is very important! Find some way that you can take a much needed break and sleep. Leave Ben with his momma and order them out of the house for three hours. I know, I know. Much easier said than done, but you will be amazed how much he already senses your need to recharge.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are so right! Sleep is what I desperately need! I’ve already decided if I can’t get it here soon I’m running away to a cheap motel for a night. I’d love to take a room by the beach but the budget won’t allow that😕 It’s something to save for though😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are nearly there, until then just keep b*tching & whining… sing, rock, dance, swing your body, and sleep! 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….getting there, you can do it! 💪 🎤 👯 ❤️ 💛 💚 💙 💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for the support! Maybe some angry music at high volume would help release some frustration. Worth a try😍 and sleep, sleep, sleep…. I’m praying for it😴🙏💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aw, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough patch! Sending sleepy vibes to King Ben. Breaks in routine can really throw our kiddoes out. Love and support to you. It will get better but until it does, vent away. X
LikeLiked by 1 person
He’s always had sleep problems. I don’t know if he’s feeling stress or if he needs a med adjustment. My crystal ball broke🔮😝 Thanks for the loves! It really does help to know someone is sending good thoughts 💞🌻💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wish I lived closer to you that I could help. Sending as much positive vibes and juju as possible to help you through this next week! Mine were on spring break last week – but only one week. We had a couple of sleepless nights and LOTS of screaming. Two weeks! That is really tough. Sending some air hugs and I hope things get better!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the hugs! I’ll take them!! 💖 Breaks are difficult and I try to plan for them but this sleep thing popping up at the same time is rough on everyone. Everybody feels cranky without enough sleep, but only The King is allowed to BE cranky😕😜 We’ll make it! It’s almost Monday right?! What’s today?😏😴
LikeLiked by 1 person
Almost there, almost there, almost there 🙂 Thinking of you and hoping you can catch some Z’s somewhere, sometime!
LikeLike
Hey Gran, sorry to pop by so late, but I just saw this…
Heart-breaking to the least. I won’t enter into details, but I beg you to seriously consider support and much more time for yourself, otherwise you’ll burn out one day, irreversibly.
One thing for sure, your dilema about “why me” is more than justified. The fact that you are disabled and have “time” does not mean at al that the responsibility for raising a child with special needs automatically falls on you.
“Some drama of her own”? Hmmm…
My apologies, but here’s again the time when being positive, won’t at all alone do the job…
Take care, for real 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you❣ Things are improving. Yay!! Sleep meds adjusted and a rested King is a happier King is a kinder, more benevolent King😜
That post really was a bottom & maybe dumping all those words helped me dump some of the negative energy. I don’t feel quite so desperate.
School starts again Monday. I figure the first few days will be rough getting back on schedule but then I’m hoping routine will smoothe out the rough edges. 🌴🌻
Thanks again for the kind thoughts!🌹
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s ok to vent. It’s healthy.
I am a mom of a 24yr old autistic. We had to give him plenty of notice and several reminders before transitioning from one event to another. Yes. There were plenty of tantrums too. Eventually, he grew out of them and now he is calm and easy to get a long with.
Hang in there and enjoy the ride…
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was the “bottom” day. He’s sleeping better and that makes a huge difference! Most of the time he’s a happy, fun, goofy kiddo and he’s getting back there. 👍😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s Monday where I’m now and I just remembered a week ago, we were counting down to better days. You’re really near now, if not, there yet and glad to know that things are better. 👏🎊 🎉
Best wishes💕
LikeLike
I have been counting down… Less than 16 hours til School Bus😄 He will be glad to see his classmates & I will be glad for some alone time👍💕💘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Creative Writing Reblogged.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you
LikeLike
Acknowledging these kind of thoughts are so painful sometimes; I so get this. The guilt associated with them is tough to cope with some days. However, at least we are allowing ourselves to feel them right? There are days I just want to lock myself in my room and just get away from it all. After 20 years of special needs parenting…I’m tired. Thanks for sharing. We are not alone in this.
LikeLike
Thank you! I think putting it all down in words helped me get past it too. I try to remember that I can’t be superhuman but guilt is tough to overcome.💞
LikeLike