A few weeks ago I got a random text from my brother. He tells me that he and his girlfriend were messing around on Facebook and found our Bio-Father. Not only did he find him, he contacted him and has been texting back and forth for a few days. My brother then tells me that our Bio-Father would like to talk to me too and gives me his number.
Whoa! Our parents divorced when I was three. My mother was still pregnant with my brother when the divorce happened. Our Bio-Father went back to Kansas, got married again and had two more sons. He would occasionally call and talk to me and my brother. His calls were always filled with statements of love and promises of gifts to be mailed. I used to wait everyday for the mailman after one of those calls. Nothing ever came.
When I was 8 years old I was sent in a car with some relatives I’d never met to Kansas to visit my Bio-Father for a few weeks. His new wife didn’t like my mother and wasn’t kind to me. I don’t remember anything about my Bio-Father from that visit so I’m thinking I didn’t spend very much time with him.
My mother met and married (and later divorced) a wonderful man a few years later. This man, my stepfather, became my Dad. He will always be the person I think of as my father.
When I graduated from high school I sent an announcement to my Bio-Father. We started writing letters. His were full of remorse and love and the hope that we could have a relationship. I told him of all my pain from his absence and empty promises. I told him I didn’t think I needed to subject myself to that again.
Until I got the text from my brother I hadn’t heard anything more about or from him.
I can’t decide whether to contact him or not. I don’t have the hurt or the anger anymore but I don’t have a need for him either. I can understand my brother wanting a relationship. He was never as close with our stepfather and he still has small children that can be grandfathered. Neither of my adult daughters are interested.
I think about the fact that I am the oldest of his four children and his only daughter. I think about how it would be from his perspective. I don’t have any reason to not contact him. I just can’t decide.
Ben is back in school now so I’m able to actually think about this situation and it’s just running circles in my brain. I admit I’m a little curious but I could get information from my brother. My brother tells me that our Bio-Father keeps asking about me so I know he wants contact.
So, my WordPress family….does anyone have any thoughts about this? Another point of view might help me sort this out.
King Ben's Grandma 
Tough one, indeed. I find this question on my plate a couple times a year, though my situation seems quite different. Still, I always douse it with another question: why? What is the purpose, the real intention, in connecting? I might feel better presenting this through a third party, such as my sibling. The follow up, at least for me, is what do I need from the other person in order to have a healthy relationship?
The parent-child relationship is certainly a powerful one, but possibly quite unwieldy for some otherwise capable people!
Whatever unfolds, I wish you the best!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! “Why” is exactly where I’m stuck. Or rather “why not”. I don’t really want or need anything from him but as a parent I put myself in his place and maybe he needs some kind of closure.
He no longer has any power to hurt me, so that’s not really a concern. Maybe I should get more information from my brother. Maybe I should flip a coin. Grrrr… So confusing! 😤😧
LikeLiked by 2 people
Definitely a tough decision. I do feel your pain though.
My biological father and mother divorced before I was even born. They were actually separated when she conceived. It was a one night stand sort of thing. Like you, my step-father became my dad. He and my mother are still married and they have a daughter together, 8 years younger than me. She and I have a great relationship to this day.
As for my biological father? I didn’t hear hide nor hair from him until I was 21 years old. He had a daughter with another woman and she reached out to me on MySpace of all things (if you remember that). We started talking and then my biological father and I started talking not long after.
I met my other half-sister in OKC soon after I graduated from undergrad. I stayed the weekend with her at Tinker AFB (she went military) for family weekend and the air show. We got along ok but soon after she decided she couldn’t deal with my oddness and cut me off. My biological father did so soon after also and I’ve not heard from them again.
If they ever reach out again I have no idea what I’d do. I’m as torn as you are. Part of me hurts and longs for then but another thinks it’s too little too late. I just don’t know.
Guard your heart whatever you do.
LikeLiked by 4 people
It seems like we all have some kind of parent issue to one degree or another. It’s so sad and it sucks! I feel like I’m past where he can hurt me. I have no expectations and I don’t need anything from him. It’s been…gasp… 30years since there’s been any contact. He’s a stranger.
I just wonder if he needs some kind of closure or something from me. It wouldn’t cost me anything but time to start a conversation.
Thanks for your thoughts!❤ If I do decide to contact him I will DEFINITELY take care!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Tough, tough, tough. My first instinct? He is weighted with guilt….right? That is what he says, but actions always speak louder than words. I feel like if you reach out to him, the cycle will repeat itself. He got found out by your brother on FB – he didn’t go looking for you guys. So, he chooses to be “adult” about it and resort to “I messed up, I know. I love you. I want a relationship with you.” And whatever else he promises. But has he ever come through on his promises? Doesn’t sound like it at all. But if you go into it with that in mind – and just reconnect with him with no expectations – what could that hurt? Tough situation. I’ll send you good mental juju – whatever you choose to do will be the right choice. Thinking of you –
LikeLiked by 3 people
You nailed it! What can it hurt? He’s getting older, blah blah blah…maybe he wants some kind of closure or forgiveness or something. What would it cost me but time? It’s been 30years since I told him off. Nothing for 30years. And really not much for the years before that either. I don’t owe him anything but what would it hurt? Round and round and round 😤😤
You have been in my thoughts daily! I know these end of summer days are rough. Hopefully not too rough💌💌
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you! Yes, almost there. And yes, what can it hurt? You don’t expect anything because he never gave anything. Good luck – thinking of you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ah, just now seeing this, friend! I concur with all who have called this a tough situation. I often ponder if something like this could crop up one day with my children and their bio dad. Right now,, it would be an obvious “no” for them, but, once they are adults, the choice would be theirs and I’d hope they would be able to do what they feel they need to. I would say since you are at a good place of healing, it could actually be something worth pursuing, on your terms. Sometimes, doors are presented for purposes we can’t quite see at first. In the end, though, it all depends on what you really want to do. Sending prayers, hugs, and best wishes. 😘😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 4 people
I hope things are easier for you little ones! I think I’m going to go ahead and get in contact with him. I think, no I *know* , I would feel bad if I just blew it off. Not from regrets but because there really isn’t any reason not to. I’ve decided on email instead of texting though. I think I’ll keep my phone number to myself for now.
Thanks for weighing in with your thoughts! And, as always, thank you so so much for your prayers and support!😘😘😘💞💝🌷🌼🌺
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you! 💓Sounds like a wise plan. And you are most welcome! 😘😘😘😘
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh wow, my lovely Dearest Dude 💞💞💞. I only put off commenting because I don’t quite know what to say 💗💗. But I’ve been mulling over your post since I read it very soon after it was published 😘
I like what Goose said; what’s his real intention? I would love to think–and I HOPE–that his intentions would be authentic and genuine. If not, shame on his arse–he’s missing out on an awesome daughter!! But then, devil’s advocate says he may simply be trying to assuage his own guilt and resolve his own karma or whatever. I also agree that there has to be something in it for you, too, in order to go through with establishing a relationship. There must be balance; he can’t be the only benefactor. You deserve all that and more 💙. I believe you also deserve an explanation of some kind regarding the reason for such chronic absence in your life. He’s gotta be willing to make it up to you or something. Obviously there’s no getting back the missed years, but if he wants a place in your life, I hope he has plans to make it count and never let you down again. Of course, this is only my own opinion, and you have to do what’s best for You, whatever that may be 😘😘
Either way, I hope things turn out for the best, and I wish you all the luck in the world, every step of the way! My heart is behind you 🌺🌺💖🌟💖🌺🌺💪🏼🙏🏼🌹🌹🌷💚💙💜👏🏼🤗☮
LikeLiked by 2 people
No expectations needed! You know that I know that you know…ya know?😝😘😘
I’ve pretty much decided that I will contact him. I’m going to do it through email to start with because giving him my phone number feels too personal right now. I’m going to go very slowly.
I have my Dad. He may not be my blood relative but he’s been in my life since I was 11 years old. That’s way more important than blood!
I can feel you getting ready to “open up a can of whoop-ass” on my behalf and I’m goofy grinning 😆 Have I told you how much I adore you? 😍😍😘😘
Thank you for all your love and support! No matter how difficult things are I know you’ve always got my back. I’m so glad the universe gave me such a freakin awesome, wicked cool, brilliant, fantastic sister!!💞✨💥🌷🌺🌼😍😍☮☯🎆🎇⚡🌈🌟🌠💫🌜🌞🌌🍀🐉🕊🐬🌹🌸🌻💖💖😘
LikeLiked by 2 people
Our heart feels for you on this matter. Dads and Moms are important beings in a family and when that relationship is severed or estranged reconciliation can be very emotion packed for all. Given the fact that many years have passed and all are adults we believe it is important to open the doors of communication. One never knows where it will go but with caution and a whole lot of prayer amazing things can happen. If anything there may be closure and understanding for you. We hope the best for you on this. It has to be hard but we are confident you will make the right decision and sometimes those decisions are hard ones.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I reached out to him via email just today. I let him know that I had forgiven him long ago. I don’t know what kind of relationship will come out of this. We’ll take it slow and see what happens. Thank you so much for your thoughts and continued support. My WordPress family is truly awesome!!💖
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is so awesome to hear that you have done this. My heart leaps with joy that you have extended that forgiveness to him. Peace will come from I it, we just know it will. Trust God and watch His hand when it comes to reconciliation. I know I have witnessed it first hand and it still blows me away. Once in awhile I try to take the reigns back but He reminds me its His timing not mine, lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad you reached out to bio father. I was thinking you might have had regrets if you didn’t. Good for you.
Best to have zero expectations.
My dad left when i was 14. My mom raised 4 kids on her own. Dad came back in the picture slightly after 10 yrs of doing drugs and gambling all his money away. Lost his job too.
So it was best that us kids didn’t have him around. Today, he lives in Veterans home and barely has visitors. Believe it or not I take him gambling (only thing he likes to do) even though I hate those places. I’ve forgiven him. It’s hard though.
Hope you and your brother find some solace in pursuing this guy. Nobody is perfect, but shame on them for abandoning us.
Blessings
LikeLiked by 2 people
My brother texts with him daily. He has more of a need to connect I think since he was never as close with our stepfather. Our stepfather was, is and always will be my “Dad”. He earned it & wants it.
My Bio-Father is getting older and reviewing his life I think. He needed forgiveness and it was given. I let go of the pain years ago. For me. We’ll see where this goes. One thing for sure, it will be on *my* terms.
Your dad sounds like my ex. It’s sad how addiction can wreck so many lives.
LikeLiked by 1 person