September Struggles

I hadn’t realized it had been so long since I’d done a post. I guess it’s because I was/am still having difficulties and I get tired of hearing myself complain, so I just keep quiet.

King Ben is still having a hard time at school. The district Special Ed supervisor has had people observing him all week to write up a new “Behavior Plan”. This is plan is to give him the supports he needs to stop him from eloping or hitting, kicking, etc. They realize the ” behaviors” are a result of avoidance or frustration. I just feel bad for him. We were able to drop his Behavior Plan after he was moved to this school last year and it makes me sad that he’s having such a hard time again. He refused to get on the bus to come home a few days ago, so we had to go get him. This new bus driver is part of the problem too. She can’t seem to stick to a schedule. It’s a rare day that she’s on time. She’s generally between five and twenty minutes late. Kiddos like King Ben don’t do well with sitting and waiting. They like their schedules. It’s what keeps them feeling safe.

Another thing that may be upsetting him is the stress level here at home. September is always a difficult month for us financially. With his mama taking time off from work to help with him while school is out, her income gets cuts by almost seventy-five percent. Then, having him home all day is an added expense in the very few foods and drinks he’ll consume. Then there’s the little treats to try to entertain him since we’re still afraid to take him places. He weighs about ninety-five pounds and is four and a half feet tall. He’s a big boy. When he decides he’s gonna run he’s fast too. We’re terrified of him taking off and getting hurt or lost. It was getting better but we’ve had a set back. Anyway, mama went back to work when he started school but she doesn’t get her first paycheck until the twenty-fifth. So, we’re super broke and super stressed. I’m sure he feels that.

Just to add a little more stress, someone brought kooties aka a head cold to the house. We’re a sharing family, so it’s making the rounds. King Ben, being non-verbal, can’t tell us if he’s not feeling well. Plus, he’s got an incredible pain tolerance. In the past, we only found out he had ear infections when his eardrum actually burst and fluid leaked out. So he could be sick and feeling yucky and show no symptoms but irritability. We’ve all been feeling yucky and that reduces our patience. Not a very fun house lately.

At least the heat seems to finally be over. Those upper ninety and triple diget days were pure torture. The high pressure that goes along with the heat makes Ben agitated too. Hopefully, with the cooler weather, he’ll be feeling calmer.

He’s also been waking up at two, three in the morning and staying awake. Of course once Ben is awake, everyone is awake. He makes sure of that. Playing quietly is NOT something he’s interested in doing.

It’s been rough. I’ve been teetering on the edge of depression. I’ve been dx with clinical depression twice so I know what to watch for. I’m lucky that it’s not a constant chemical thing but a life thing that can disrupt my chemicals. I noticed the sudden bursts of tears and the other little warning signs that my chemicals weren’t happy and I needed to take better care of myself. So far, I’m okay. Hanging in there. In my mind I’m a twenty-something, fit, strong person. My body reminds me that the truth is that I’m an almost fifty, fibromyalgia disabled, worn out person that needs to slow down before I blow a fuse.

So, yes, I’ve been a bit absent. I’ve had a lot of unpleasantness and I hate complaining all the time. I’m doing okay. Treading water, keeping my head up… I’ve been through way worse and I’ll get through this. And I know if things get too rough for me I have a bunch of awesome people right here to support me with their love and good wishes.

Oh, the parrots are back again. Maybe things are on the up swing.