Bio-Father Returns (part 2)

~ King Ben's Grandma

I have an update on how things are going with my Biological Father. He’s not my Dad, that’s a title that was earned by my stepfather. In case you missed the first part of this story, it’s here I decided to contact him via email, and we’ve stayed in sporadic contact.

So, Saturday evening, normal stuff was happening in my house. King Ben and his mama were in the living room. She was reading, the TV had the current movie of choice playing on repeat, Ben was watching the movie, watching his tablet, lining up his chalk in patterns…doing Ben stuff. Then, there’s a knock on the front door. No one comes to the front door. With the exception of a food delivery person, no one we want to see comes to the front door. People we want to see come in through the back gate and back door. Also, they call first.

Already everybody is freaking out a little bit. The dog is barking his head off, Ben’s mama goes to get the key (our front door has a keyed deadbolt to keep Ben from escaping and running blindly across five lanes of a busy street. Yes, he’s done that before) Ben is climbing the back of the couch to look out the window and I happened to be in the bathroom. Finally, the door is opened to reveal a man who is a complete stranger. Both the dog and Ben are trying to scoot out the door while older daughter is trying to find out what this stranger wants. I’m still in the bathroom, hiding at this point.

So, who was he? What did he want? He introduced himself as Pastor so-and-so (daughter didn’t catch the name, trying to keep Ben and Zeus inside) from whatever church and the reason he was here. I’m hiding in the bathroom so I can’t hear any of this. Daughter sends him on his way, relocks the door and puts the key back in the hiding place.

I came out of the bathroom wondering who had been at the door. Daughter tells me that, without asking, without warning, Bio-Father had sent this man to my house to check on me… annnnnd my head explodes! Okay, my head didn’t really explode, but I was seriously pissed off! I’ve known that Bio-Father was very religious but since we only exchange emails once or twice a month, I’ve steered away from the subject. For him to randomly send someone to my house was way out of line. I fired off an email right away telling him that I have my own spiritual beliefs and I’m not interested in talking to someone from a church and especially a random drop in. I’m still angry about it.

My brother had given him my phone number, even though I asked him not to, so I’ve got it set to go straight to voicemail. I gave him my address because he wanted to send Ben a birthday present. I figured he’s in another state, let him mail Ben a gift, no harm. He wanted to come visit me in July when he will be here in California, I told him no.

I’m trying to be nice, but I may have to cut him off. He’s the one who wanted contact. I’ve explained that we are basically strangers, that my life is busy and complicated and I’d prefer to stick with emails. I’ve been honest and I’ve been clear.

So, anyway, that’s the update. I guess we’ll see if he respects my boundaries or if he makes me sever all contact.

27 thoughts on “Bio-Father Returns (part 2)”

  1. Oh wow. That was WAY out of line. I haven’t talked to my bio father in a decade now. It is what it is. I didn’t talk to him for the first time until I was 21 years old. He wasn’t around, making the excuse he “did it for my own good.” Uh yeah, sure.

    Whatever the case, I don’t wish mine any harm but I don’t necessarily want anything to do with him. I suggest for your sake you write yours off too. If he’s going to be that way, you don’t need that stress in your life.

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    1. Seriously! I don’t even talk to my mother except for an occasional text and she lives 1.5 miles (2.4km) away. My brother and I exchange birthday texts. I don’t have any bad feelings toward either of them but they *won’t* adjust to Ben. His needs are more important to me right now.
      So, yeah, Bio just keeps pushing and pretty soon I’m just going to stop being nice.

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  2. That’s terrible and off limits! I’m angry too! 😡I hate people who knock on my door, unannounced and uninvited, it’s an intrusion of my space. I hope this is just a one-off incident and would never ever happen again!!! 💌

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    1. I got a response to my email telling him I was NOT happy. When I’m feeling a little better, I guess I’ll have to do a part 3.
      Yeah, the drop in guest is never welcomed. It’s presumptuous to just show up at someone’s house. Especially since everyone has a mobile.

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  3. This all sounds complicated and exhausting. Makes me want to cut my own family off for a few weeks, even though it has nothing to do with any of them. LOL.

    I have a similar situation in my family, but in it my Dad is the wonderful stepdad, and my adopted sister is the one that confuses and complicates my life. She’s kind of an amazing person, however, so I choose to struggle with it.

    Clearly you owe him nothing, but he owes you. To my view, the question is whether he will pay off his debt without incurring even more. Is he ultimately a giver or a taker? Based on what you’ve explained, it sounds like he’s revealing himself to be a taker. He’s reaching out to you for his own sake, not yours. But you’re hardly a non-biased observer, so maybe you’re overlooking something? I guess the upshot here is “don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater, but don’t hold on to the bathwater just because you hope the baby is just really tiny and made of glass so it’s hard to see in the water.”

    Hope that’s helpful. If not, just disregard it. I’m hardly the person to give relationship advice. LOL 🙂

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    1. Ya know, he says he wants to give. Nice thought. I don’t need or want anything from him. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a stranger that knew my mother 47-50 years ago. All the contact I’ve had with him has been for *his* sake. To assuage his guilt. I really have no desire beyond being a friendly pen-pal (email-pal?)
      There’ll be a part 3 when I’m feeling better.

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  5. My situation is quite different, I have no other parents than bio-parents, and my relationship with them is excellent. Meaning, I’m in no position to comment based on my experience. It does sound like strange behaviour, though. Check up on you – why exactly? To make sure you are not living in sin? I think you’re right, it’s an intrusion you just don’t need.

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  7. Oh. My. Goodness. Way out of line! What was he thinking he was going to gain from sending a pastor to your house? To check on you for what? If your bio-father wanted to check on you he knew how via the boundary you set – email. He broke the rules. In a major way!

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  8. Oh. My. God! What was he thinking? What right does he have to do that? To come into your life via a third party and totally upset your equilibrium! Does the dude not have boundaries? Yeah he’s feeling guilty – his problem – not yours! I am so sorry you had to deal with this. I hope it hasn’t affected you too badly – big hugs! 💐🌹

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  9. Sorry to hear you have this complicated issue with your bio-father. Family relationships are tricky at the best of times, especially estranged ones. My only advice, for what it’s worth, would be that you must do what feels right and comfortable for you. Sending my best wishes. x

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  10. Oh. My. Goodness! The analytical part of me wants to get to the bottom of why on earth someone would ever even *imagine* for one second that that is anything near OK or acceptable to do, but the even-more-logical side of me says there’s no logic in thinking it’s acceptable, so it’s useless to even try to speculate (lol). What a frustrating and boundary-crashing move on his part! Under what universe is that even remotely ok?? Gah. I really feel for you 💗

    I’d probably struggle with the same dilemma you’re facing–that if he continues to push up against these boundaries, then you may have to cut him off entirely. I wonder if he would respect that though? Maybe so 👍🏼. It would suck (a little) for it to have to come to that, but if it does, he brought it on himself.

    Yeah I agree with the others – you have set some really reasonable boundaries, and he has knowingly violated them. I only hope you do what you believe is right, for your own sake and your wellbeing. You owe him nothing; it is he who left years ago and suddenly wants back into your life (*your* life, which you and you alone have built, with no help from and no thanks to him, I might add). He wasn’t there when you could’ve needed him, and it’s not like you can get that support now, nor can you get those pivotal years back. If anything, he needs to repair the damage he has caused, and what he did was *not* the right way to do it! 😡🙄🌺💓💓💜🤗

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    1. You’re right… *My* life. I’ve actually told him in email that we’re practically strangers. He responded to my ” do NOT do this” email…part 3 when I’m feeling better & Ben is back at school.
      Thanks for always having my back Dearest Dude 😘😍💖

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      1. Omg I hope he came to his senses. The only acceptable reply he could send is “I’m so sorry I crossed your boundaries. That was uncalled for of me, and I’ll never do that again. I respect your wishes; please, let’s just keep emailing.” But I get the feeling that it didn’t exactly go that way… 🤔🙄💐💞

        I’m looking forward to reading Part 3! I’m curious to know what he did say, because I’m guessing, knowing his track record so far, that it might not have been the Correct Response 😘💗🌺☮🍀🌟🌷🌸🌻🐉🌴🙈

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