Rebirth and the Zen Zone

~ King Ben's Grandma

I am still in the Zen Zone. I am still riding the wave or the horse or the unicorn. I almost got in my own way, chasing my tail, looking for answers to questions that I had already answered. I can be such a dunce.

Life is still everyday stuff,  little fires that must be put out. I still have Daughter Drama with both of my girls and King Ben is still being Mr. Bootyhead more often than not. All of these things are part of my life, my normal life. I’ve been handling everything without losing my inner peace. I’ve been groovy. So why did I send myself on a quest for knowledge I already have?

Oh yeah, I’m a dunce.

I have spent the past few weeks impersonating Don Quixote. Instead of tilting at windmills, I’ve been doing research. (Gen X and older will understand when I say I LOVE the internet for looking stuff up! So much easier, and better than encyclopedias. That’s assuming your family even had encyclopedias and they weren’t fifteen years old) I have been learning more about astrology. The big Saturn/Pluto shindig has been a major recent topic so I started there and fell down a Rabbit Hole. I figured this would be a perfect opportunity for some personal growth…look into the shadows and find out what was hiding there. I was looking for a problem to solve. What a dunce!

I’m thankful that I realized what I was doing and stopped. It was the combination of a few things that finally got me to quit the Don Quixote, dog chasing its tail routine. The first was an old post by Ursula, the second was being reminded that Pluto has been in Capricorn for over ten years. Then I wrote about the two times I’ve been on antidepressants for Beckie’s series and I was reminded of my first complete deconstruction.

I have basically been born three times. My first was as a baby. The second was in my twenties, when a life-altering, soul crushing crisis occurred. I haven’t written about it, and I may not ever do so. What happened isn’t relevant, what is is that I was forced into therapy and took advantage of it. I worked very hard for a couple years to rebuild myself. My third birth was after my ex left the state and the abuse ended, then I had surgery to implant my intrathecal pain pump, which stopped the rollercoaster of oral opiates.

That second deconstruction was way gnarlier and way longer than the first. The third birth was a huge accomplishment and I’ve been growing since. I’ve finally reached a place where I can just BE. The Zen Zone.

Last weekend, even though it was a long weekend, was very relaxing. Relaxing by Casa Cuckoo standards anyway. The energy and emotion in the house was set on “chill” and that’s what we did. We chilled.

The drama of life is just life. The personal problems of my daughters’ are their problems to solve. I can support them, but it would be egotistical of me to try to solve them. Plus, it could deny them their opportunities for growth. Maybe I needed to tilt at windmills, chase my tail, test myself, see if I was really in the zone or if I was in denial…I passed the test. There may be more testing but I’m not going to worry about it.

I am going to remind myself that right now I am feeling groovy. That’s good enough. Actually, that’s freakin fantastic!

 

(featured image wiki commons)

24 thoughts on “Rebirth and the Zen Zone”

  1. Hey Angie, sometimes the best thing in life is simply to feel groovy – it may not be heart stopped woop woop – but it’s a great place to be when you can attain, maintain and sustain it – here’s to feeling groovy – it reminds me of this which l think is quite apt here 🙂

    Have a terrific Friday Grandma.

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  5. Angie, I really enjoyed reading this, because you sound less tense and more groovy as you have put it.
    You’re absolutely right… Your daughters have to learn and grow at their own pace. Sure, they will happen upon bumps in the road called life, but at least they won’t take you along on those bumps.
    Enjoy and embrace this feeling of Zen, you so deserve to be chillaxing and relaxing. I hope this weekend is yet another one that you enjoy. 🙏🙌🧘‍♂️
    By the way…Stop referring to yourself as a dunce. Being curious and looking things up is part of the growth process. You’re the furthest thing from being a dunce. 😍😘🥰

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    1. Yes, ma’am! No more dunce! 😘🥰🤗
      How about dumb-ass? Wingnut? Goober? Dweeb?😂😂
      I was making fun of my search for a problem. Like I needed to have a problem. I couldn’t just be happy. For that, I put myself in a mental corner with a dunce cap.😘🤣

      I plan to enjoy every single minute. Ive been doing a lot of resting to help my body fight this head cold kootie. Orange juice and sleep👍

      Hugs and love💜💙💚💛🧡❤

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      1. You’re too funny. Yeah, I have to admit, I call myself and idiot, dumbass, and moron most times.
        Like at this point… I’m so over tired again, and need to lay down.
        I think I’m gonna do just that for a little while. 😴😌 I’ve been here on/off since 7am… My mind is like oatmeal. LOL!

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  6. Morning Angie, I really enjoyed this writing of yours. I’ve been thinking on it for a couple of days now. It gives me a feeling of settledness. I’ve never surfed but I did grow up near enough to the ocean for it to be a day trip. I loved going out just far enough in the water to be a part of the waves. Sometimes I would face them head on. 😎. Other times I would turn my back to them and wait…let them pick me up off my feet and carry me as far as they would and set me down. Then I’d walk back out to do it again. Until I would tire and go sit on the shore and contentedly watch them coming towards me. They’re always coming whether they crash into me or move on without me. And it’s all good, especially when I let go and remember they aren’t mine to hold or control. Just let em be. That’s what your writing made me feel. And there are a fair amount of waves in my days just now. So, thank you and I hope your own zen flow keeps on. 🥰💌😎

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    1. Aw, Thank you Suzanne🤗 Your story about the waves is perfect. I remember doing that too. Also jumping up to avoid getting hit in the face or diving down under the waves. I remember days spent in the surf and still feeling the waves crashing over me when I was in bed that night.
      I have never surfed either😉 I did fall off a skateboard a bunch when I was 11 or 12😂
      I’m sorry the “waves” are showing up on your shores. I hope they smooth out and everyone makes it to shore…bonfire and s’mores are waiting😘😎🤙

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  8. I like your writing about being reborn throughout your life. It is such a positive way of thinking and gives a sense of renewal and strength – no matter what happens to us, we can change and develop and feel like a different person. Can’t wait until I get to my Zen stage – not quite there yet!

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  9. I can completely relate to you wanting to solve your daughter’s problems. I’ve been in a funk cause i seem to be the only person worried about my 27 yr old son Andrew losing his job next month. So the story goes, he stopped by a week or so ago all worried that his Taekwondo studio might close in January. So my husband and I (mostly me) got on the job train and started sending resumes and cover letters to bunches of tech companies for my son. Now, I realize this was going overboard, but I felt like he needed support. And I’d rather do this than have him move back home!
    Well, Thanksgiving, he told me that he’s not worried about his job. Part time job- might I add. He thinks he can trust his employer and he is starting to drum up business, blah blah blah.
    I’m not convinced and I’m crushed. Why can’t these autistic/Asperger adults be willing to change. I’ve been doing my research and am learning they don’t handle change well. There are words and phrases that back up my hypothesis, but if my son isn’t worried about losing his job, then why am I worrying? It’s crazy stuff.
    So, I’m going to clap for you grandma/mom for staying out of your daughter’s life. As my step dad says, “he has to FAIL.” Hard for us mom’s to stand by and watch.
    Happy Monday to you.

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    1. Happy Tuesday Teri🌻

      It’s hard to stop being “The Mom”, taking care of all the little details, doing advanced planning so things run smoothly… I wonder if its easier for me to stay out of my daughters lives because I’m more focused on Ben?🤔 I’m still actively doing the mom thing.
      Your step-dad is right, they do need to learn how to survive failing and getting back up. It’s hard to watch but we can cheer even more when they figure it out on their own.
      Ben may never leave home🙄😟 At 11 years old he still needs to be monitored to keep him safe. Who knows though, he may take one of his giant leaps right into independence some day.
      You’ve earned this time to live YOUR life with your hubby. You’ve given your son all the tools he needs, make him use them.
      Hang in there😘🌻🥰 🤗

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