I am still in the Zen Zone. I am still riding the wave or the horse or the unicorn. I almost got in my own way, chasing my tail, looking for answers to questions that I had already answered. I can be such a dunce.
Life is still everyday stuff, little fires that must be put out. I still have Daughter Drama with both of my girls and King Ben is still being Mr. Bootyhead more often than not. All of these things are part of my life, my normal life. I’ve been handling everything without losing my inner peace. I’ve been groovy. So why did I send myself on a quest for knowledge I already have?
Oh yeah, I’m a dunce.
I have spent the past few weeks impersonating Don Quixote. Instead of tilting at windmills, I’ve been doing research. (Gen X and older will understand when I say I LOVE the internet for looking stuff up! So much easier, and better than encyclopedias. That’s assuming your family even had encyclopedias and they weren’t fifteen years old) I have been learning more about astrology. The big Saturn/Pluto shindig has been a major recent topic so I started there and fell down a Rabbit Hole. I figured this would be a perfect opportunity for some personal growth…look into the shadows and find out what was hiding there. I was looking for a problem to solve. What a dunce!
I’m thankful that I realized what I was doing and stopped. It was the combination of a few things that finally got me to quit the Don Quixote, dog chasing its tail routine. The first was an old post by Ursula, the second was being reminded that Pluto has been in Capricorn for over ten years. Then I wrote about the two times I’ve been on antidepressants for Beckie’s series and I was reminded of my first complete deconstruction.
I have basically been born three times. My first was as a baby. The second was in my twenties, when a life-altering, soul crushing crisis occurred. I haven’t written about it, and I may not ever do so. What happened isn’t relevant, what is is that I was forced into therapy and took advantage of it. I worked very hard for a couple years to rebuild myself. My third birth was after my ex left the state and the abuse ended, then I had surgery to implant my intrathecal pain pump, which stopped the rollercoaster of oral opiates.
That second deconstruction was way gnarlier and way longer than the first. The third birth was a huge accomplishment and I’ve been growing since. I’ve finally reached a place where I can just BE. The Zen Zone.
Last weekend, even though it was a long weekend, was very relaxing. Relaxing by Casa Cuckoo standards anyway. The energy and emotion in the house was set on “chill” and that’s what we did. We chilled.
The drama of life is just life. The personal problems of my daughters’ are their problems to solve. I can support them, but it would be egotistical of me to try to solve them. Plus, it could deny them their opportunities for growth. Maybe I needed to tilt at windmills, chase my tail, test myself, see if I was really in the zone or if I was in denial…I passed the test. There may be more testing but I’m not going to worry about it.
I am going to remind myself that right now I am feeling groovy. That’s good enough. Actually, that’s freakin fantastic!
(featured image wiki commons)