If you missed the start of this series, you can find it here. A lot of things will be the same or very similar.
Ben ate his orange chicken while laying on my bed, and watching his tablet. I took pictures of the sky. The wind was blowing pretty good, and it felt like it was coming straight from the artic. (Yes, I’m whining again.) I stopped taking pictures when I couldn’t feel my fingertips anymore.
… yeah, too many pictures, but I really couldn’t help myself. Even with numb fingers, and my shoulders hunched up to my ears, it was so pretty.
We’re moving Ben’s bath to after Driving Miss Daisy or if she’s off, to 6:30pm-6:45pm. Less time pressure on work nights, and the time change is tonight, so it’s more in keeping with Ben’s body clock.
Anyway, Daughter was getting ready for work, and Ben was playing so I grabbed the mail, which included a delivery of a new vest and tie I didn’t want him to have yet. There was also a letter for me… from my ex. (DUN DUN DUNNNNN) Daughter was still getting ready so I opened it cuz it was thick. It was seven pieces of notebook paper written front and back, so a fourteen page letter. I skimmed through the the first two or three pages before we had to leave.
Ben wanted me to put Bad on the radio again, but we kinda skipped over that, and kept talking. Daughter wanted to know what the letter was about, and wanted me to know that she still wanted nothing to do with her father. I told her I hadn’t read enough to know what it was about, and I didn’t have any great desire to be in contact with him either.
We got her to work, dropped her off, and I promised to text when we got home, and after The Boys were settled. Ben was pretty tired, so bath was easy and pretty quick, he didn’t want to play for a half hour like usual. I got him into his jammas, then sent him to his room, where Zeus had been waiting, confused at the change in routine. Daughter was texted, and I got ready to read the letter… it felt more like THE LETTER.
The first few pages were apologies, regrets, medical diagnoses, then he wrote about why he was in jail, and how the judge was going to release him, but he didn’t have anywhere to go, so he asked to stay and that night there was an ice storm that might’ve killed him, but definitely would’ve made him relapse. He wrote that he has almost two years sober, and he’s seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. Finally, finally, finally he got to the point… he wants to come visit.
I felt gut-punched. There has always been the possibility that he could randomly show up one day. It wouldn’t be hard for him to find us. We’re one block from the place where we all lived… the same neighborhood. This unexpected letter just brought all the old feelings swirling back. I’m not really fearful anymore, but I don’t really want to see him either.
On reflection, mostly what I feel is irritation. I’m irritated that he wants to cause disruption in my already crazy life. I’m irritated that he went on and on about not being here for the past twelve years, like the girls, Ben and I have suffered this entire time, and things would’ve been better if he’d been here. The first year, or eighteen months was really difficult financially, but I’d go through eviction, having no food, and everything else, all over again to be free of the torturous life we’d been living.
After finishing the letter, my first impulse was to call Younger. She has tried to maintain a relationship with her dad, and I thought she’d like to know he was okay. I stopped myself. It would be pointless to stir all that crap up, especially while she was probably enjoying her night off, and hanging out with Partner.
I emailed a friend instead. I usually email this friend in the evenings anyway, so it was a better choice overall. Get some of my feelings out, and get back into my evenings routine at the same time. The routine part was a little off, all the Things got done, but not all the Stuff. NBD.
I ate, took my pill and went to sleep around 11pm. Wakeups at 1am and 3am were not brief, but not too long either. I woke at 5am, but stayed in bed and kinda drifted until 6am. I didn’t want to get up then either, but it was time. Especially since The Boys came and Bounced me a minute after the alarm went off.
We had a regular Driving Miss Daisy morning. I took a few pictures while Zeus lifted a leg, then did all usual morning stuff.
We left early to get Daughter, got there early, and she clocked out early… five whole minutes, such a rebel. Back home was the usual routine. I offered her the letter, but she declined. She changed clothes, and settled on the couch. I got ready and headed out for my walk, after getting a box of chalk I knew Ben would ask for.
I wasn’t really feeling like walking, but I made myself go anyway. I’ve been doing good and I didn’t want to break my streak out of laziness. I did the same two miles, with a few picture stops, in thirty-three minutes. I seem to be keeping the same pace, which is good I guess.
Back home, and into my sloppies, I grabbed a Naked Juice with double protein. I do NOT reccomend the double protein. The powder doesn’t mix well, and it was all I could do to finish it. I’m doing what I can for calories and nutrients though. I’m still trying to put weight back on, and get my body healthy again.
Then it was my turn for Couch Sittin Duty, and Daughter went to go sleep. Ben did his chalk thang, took snack and tablet breaks, scripted, and Sven stood with his front foot in his food dish, and glared… Mellow vibes at the Casa.
Around 1:30pm I put Sven in the shower. He’d been at his food bowl, and I’d given him one of the roaches, and paparazzi’d him. Then he started acting all agitated and glass surfing. I thought he might need a Bliss break. He has such a rough life, our Sven. He was happy and bright after his shower. Still giving me glares though.
I went and woke Daughter up at 3:15pm. I was ready for a break and she’s off work tonight. She came out and took over Couch Sittin Duty about fifteen minutes later. I was just getting comfortable and Horizontal when Younger called me. I’d told her about the letter earlier and she wanted to talk about it. Then, after getting off the phone with her, Ben wanted more chalk. It never ends…
It’s just about sunset time… thank goodness Daughter is off tonight. No Driving Miss Daisy and hopefully, no stress or surprises.
Listening to Def Leppard recently. Lots of good songs. Another band I saw way back… before the drummer lost his arm.
We’re getting closer to the end of the Daily Adventures. Thank you again and again for sharing these crazy days with me at Casa Cuckoo! We will still have Adventures after number three sixty-five, they just won’t be every day. Don’t worry, there will still be Sven pictures. I know he makes you smile, same as me.